The guilt and self doubt that most women feel after becoming a mother is overwhelming. I’d love to say it gets easier, but it really doesn’t. Always worrying that you are not spending enough time, that your response to their misbehaviors will damage them for life and that they are watching our every move and f we do one thing wrong they will be ruined forever. So much pressure.
Then we have another and we worry that we are not spending enough time with the first. We feel so guilty that we have to divide our love and attention between two. No matter what advice we are given we just can’t just shake the feelings of guilt.
I recently had my third and I was feeling more guilt and more pressure than ever. I put so many expectations on myself to divide my time equally and now my girls were old enough to recognize the transition and speak about it. Mostly they would say things when tired or hungry, often speaking of how much I loved the baby more than them. It killed me. My six year old cried most nights for the first couple of weeks and my four year old threw many tantrums. The message was clear, you care more about the baby than us.
I had to be so careful not to say the baby was cute without saying they were cute. I had to hold all three of them on my lap as I fed the baby. I was so overwhelmed and feeling drained. Then one day it hit me.
I woke up before all of the kids and snuck out of the bed, excited to share a rare quiet moment alone with coffee. I spent about an hour in the kitchen, checking on the girls every few minutes. The last time I checked on them they were all awake, the two older ones loving on our new baby. This wasn’t the first time that this happened. It actually was a daily occurrence, but it I saw it differently this time and my perspective completely changed in that moment.
I realized right then and there that I don’t have to be the sole source of love for anyone in this house. I never have been! Actually the more additions we have in our family, the more love they are all giving to each other. I had an instant sense of relief. Why it took me so long to truly understand this concept is beyond me, but I am not alone in feeling guilt when adding another baby to a family.
Strangely enough that day everything had changed and we all became happier and felt more like a family. I’m not sure what was in my head, what the self pressure was doing to influence my behavior or if it was just the moment that we had all adjusted. The moment that we truly became a family.
